When Feeling Unloved Turns Dangerous
by bex81385
Summary: Takes place pre-series... Blair/Eleanor, with a hint of Blair/Chuck...


When Feeling Unloved Turns Dangerous

Unconditional. Absolute. Unwavering. All were words she knew were meant to describe a mother's love for their child, or at least any normal mother. No where in that description could Blair find the words that defined Eleanor Waldorf's parenting style: cold, inattentive, sporadic, and most often optional.

She'd learned early on that Eleanor Waldorf was not like other moms. Other kid's mom's lavished their daughters with attnetion, not shiny baubles or designed clothes. Other mothers cared about the health and well-being of their daughters. Eleanor simply cared whether or not Blair would effect her company in a negtive manner.. Where other parents relied on themselves to raise their children, Eleanor relied heavily on their maid, Dorota, to care extensively for Blair, only stepping in when she thought she had no choice; when she was given no choice.

She'd spent her formative years watching her mother fawn all over Serena, while ignoring her. Years of longing for even a snippet of the maternal affection she showered upon Serena. Instead, Blair recieved nothing but criticism and ridicule, constant prodding to be more like Serena, and harsh comments about a weight problem Blair wasn't even sure she really had. She'd have to be a complete idiot not to realize that her mother's harsh words had been the driving force behind her bulimia; the very reason why she felt the need to empty her stomach over and over again daily.

She was pulled from her thoughts as both her mother and Serena walked through the bedroom door. "What are you doing here, S?" Blair asked in confusion. Serena wasn't supposed to be there until later that night.

"Your mom called and said I could wear something off the new line," Serena said happily.

"Oh," Blair replied with a fake smile. Last week when her mother mentioned the dinner party taking place tonight, she couldn't have cared less. That was until Eleanor had mentioned she could wear something off the new line, then she was ecstatic.It wasn't as often as most people would think that she got to wear her mother's designs. Now, it turned out that it wasn't so much of an exclusive offer.

"Several of my overseas distributors are going to be here, and I want as many of my designs out there as possible tonight." Eleanor said as Dorota wheeled in a hanging bar full of dresses. "You two pick what you like." she instructed

Serena immediately reached for a black, slinky dress. "Oh Eleanor, this is fantastic!"

Eleanor nodded happy with the praise. "I'm glad you like it. It will look fantastic on you."

Blair rolled her eyes and continued thumbing through the dress rack. She made her choice and looked to her mother expectantly. If she'd been looking for the same amount of adulation Serena had just gotten, she'd be severely disappointed. Instead, she got what she'd been expecting, a shake of the head and dressing down.

"You're not think enough to pull that off, Blair." Eleanor said coldly before turning back towards Serena, "though, it would look terrific on you, Serena."

Blair ignored the look of pity Serena had immediately shot her and grabbed another dress. She presented the more modest, less attractive dress to her mother and sighed inwardly as her mother smiled.

"Much better," she said before turning and leaving the room.

Serena looked over at Blair's crestfallen face and sighed sadly. "She didn't mean that."

Blair nodded. "Yes, she did." she said honestly

"You're not fat, B." Serena said assuringly

By now, Blair had been purging no less than two or three times a day. Other people were beginning to notice just how close she was to being disastrously thin, and she simply couldn't understand why her mother still saw her as anything resembling over weight. "I know that Serena." she said tiredly. "Let's just get ready OK?"

Blair sighed in relief when Serena nodded.

xxxxxx

The party had been underway for almost an hour, and already Blair couldn't count the amount of times she'd watched her mother graciously and exuberantly introduce Serena to various guests. She listened to her mother wax poetic about how stunning Serena looked, but nothing cut quite as deeply as hearing her tell one of her biggest distributors that Serena was the best thing that ever happened to her evening wear line, especially since Blair was wearing one of the dresses from the line as well.

To Serena's credit, she did look phenomenal in the dress she was wearing, but that was just Serena. Everything wore beautifully on her, everything worked splendidly with her skin tone; but, that didn't mean the same didn't apply to Blair as well.

Another half hour passed before dinner was served. Blair was starving. She'd spent the entire day at home helping her mother, and in result hadn't touched a single thing to eat all day. She'd wasted no time in starting to eat once everyone's plates had been set in front of them. She'd been about to spoon the last of the sorbet from dessert in her mouth when she felt her mother's eyes on her. The look on her mother's face sent the message loud and clear. She delicately dropped the full spoon back into her bowl and asked to be excused.

She felt eyes on her once more as she made her way out the dining room, but didn't turn to look back to see who's until she herself was out of their line of sight. She saw Serena's head turning as if it had been previously looking in her direction. The other set was the set that surprised her. She saw Chuck still looking in her direction. Nate, however, was still blissfully ignorant of the whole thing, while he was talking to an unresponsive Chuck. She hung her head, upset that her own boyfriend hadn't even noticed just how frail she was beginning to look and headed towards the bathroom upstairs.

Once there, she eyes herself carefully in the mirror. She could hear her mother's voice in the back of her mind telling her she'd never be good enough, she'd never be the daughter she wanted. A stray tear rolled carelessly down her cheek. She wiped it away angrily before lowering herself in front of the toilet. The tiel was cold on her knees and she shivered for a brief moment. She swiftly stuck her finger deep in her throat and got the desired result.

She sobbed the entire time, as she always did. She didn't feel fat, even while she was purging, and she couldn't figure out why she kept doing this, why she even ever started. It wasn't even making a difference in her mother's eyes, and she hated the way it made her feel. She'd read somewhere that bulimics often claimed they felt more in control during and afterwards, but Blair had never felt more out of control. She felt the dinner she'd enjoyed so thoroughly come back up, and was once again disgusted with herself for being so weak.

After a few minutes, her stomach was once again empty. Gracefully, she stood up, smoothed out her dress and brushed her teeth. One quick glance in the mirror later and she was headed back downstairs to the party.

xxxxxx

"You look beautiful tonight, Waldorf."

Blair rolled her eyes at the voice coming form behind her. She didn't want to talk to him. She was livid that he was the first one of her her friends to approach her since her return to the party. Still, knowing she wasn't actually angry with him, she turned to face him. "Go away, Chuck." she said icicly. "I'm not in the mood."

Chuck sighed in disappointment. "It's a shame." Neither one spoke and Chuck took this moment to really look at her. He'd been worrying about her for some time now. He'd noticed she'd been dropping weight way too quickly for the pilated she swore she was doing to be taking it off. Her skin was pale, her eyes dull and lifeless. She looked uncomfortable in her own skin.

She didn't like the way he was looking at her, like he knew what she'd been up to upstairs. "Have you seen Nate?" she asked finally

Chuck shook his head. "Sorry."

Blair shrugged. "I'm going to go look for him," she said before turning to walk away.

"Blair." Chuck said suddenly. He reached out and grabbed her arm halting her movements.

"What now, Bass?" she asked exasperated

Chuck looked at her for a moment longer than he thought he was allowed and sighed. "It wasn't a line before. You look beautiful tonight. You really do, but you know what would make you look even more beautiful?"

"What's that?"

His eyes locked on hers. "A few more pounds," he said gently before releasing her and walking off

Blair stood stark still, unable to move, her entire body in shock. She watched him walk over to her mother and assumed he was saying goodbye. That is until she saw her mother turn and look her away, and saw Chuck pointing to her.

xxxxxx

Eleanor Waldorf was confused as to why she was being approached by her daughter's friend. It would have made sense if it had been Serena, or Nate, but being accosted by Charles Bass made no sense. She turned her attention back to him just in time to hear him ask her to talk privately. "Of course," she said before politely excusing them from her guests. "What is it?" she asked, all pretense of politeness gone.

"I'm worried about Blair." he said candidly

Eleanor turned her head towards her daughter and then back to Chuck. "Why?"

Chuck looked at Eleanor in surprise. "Have you looked at her lately?"

Eleanor shrugged. "She looked OK to me."

"Are you kidding?" he asked a hint of disgust in his voice.

"Well, I guess she coudl stand to lose a few more pounds. Maybe I shoud have put her in a corset dress instead of one of mine..."

Chuck's jaw dropped as Eleanor's voice trailed off. "What weight? She's rail thin." He pointed at her. "She probably doesn't even weigh a hundred pounds. If she loses any more weight..." he snapped angrily. "You're making her sick. You're killing her."

"Don't talk to me in that tone of voice," Eleanor warned sharply

"She's making herself sick. She's throwing up after every single meal." Chuck said. He was pleased when Eleanor finally looked upset about her daughter's condition. He watched her turn and look at Blair. "Look at her." he implored

Eleanor looked at Blair, and thought about what he'd just said. She thought back to the week before and remembered hearing Blair throwing up every morning and every evening as well. "Excuse me." she said cooly before making her way over to Blair.

Chuck watched as Eleanor walked over to Blair. He saw the deer caught in the headlights look on her face and knew she was going to kill him later. Still, if it ended up saving her life, his wasn't important.

xxxxxx

Eleanor made her way over to Blair, the entire time looking around the room for her husband. Ideally she knew she should talk to Harold before accosting Blair in the middle of a party, but she didn't see him anywhere and decided to do it anyway. Finally she reached Blair. "Blair."

"Mom." Blair replied nervously

"Are you feeling alright?" she asked carefully

Blair thought she almost heard concern in her mother's voice, but brushed it off. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. You look..."

"Fat?" she interrupted

"That's not what I was going to say." she insisted

Blair rolled her eyes. "Oh, my mistake." she snapped annoyed. The sudden concern for her well being wasn't something she wanted.

"What has gotten into you?" Eleanor asked. She'd come over here becuase she thought maybe Charles was right about Blair being in serious trouble, she didn't come over for her attitude.

"I'm sorry. I'll try to be more like Serena." she bit icily

"Blair..." Eleanor warned

Blair rolled her eyes again. "What?"

Eleanor turned around at the crowded penthouse and groaned. She reached for Blair's arm and pulled her towards the empty kitchen. Once in the privacy of the kitchen, she released her. "Are you making yourself sick?"

"No." Blair lied easily. She'd been practicing that for a while, just in case her mom ever really did catch on. She was going to kill Chuck Bass.

"Don't lie to me. I heard you yesterday."

"I wasn't feeling well." Blair lied unconvincingly

Eleanor looked at Blair closely. "Don't lie to me." she repeated

"Why do you even care?" Blair finally snapped.

"You're my daughter."

"And it's all about you? Don't worry mother, no one is going to find out about your poor pathetic little bulimic daughter. I woudn't want it to hurt your image."

Eleanor slapped her hand down on the counter hard, causing Blair to jump. "This has nothing to do with my image. You're my daughter. I don't want to see you hurting. I don't want to see you sick. I love you."

Blair's eyes slit into tight crescents. "You don't love me," she said her voice cold and calm. "You love yourself, you love your image, you love Serena. You don't love me."

"Blair..." Eleanor said softly

Blair shook her head. "How stupid do you think I am? I hear you when you talk, you know. It's always 'Blair, why can't you be more like Serena?' or 'Blair, Serena's practically a zero, why can't you be as thin as her, why do you have to be a size two.' You did this mother. You gave me an eating disorder. I hope you're happy now," she said before storming past her mother and back out into the party.

She caught Chuck's eyes across the room for a brief moment. He looked concerned, and she supposed she coudn't blame him. She wasn't sure why he opened his mouth, or why he was the only one to notice just how sick she reall was. But as she heard her mother calling after her, she knew one things for sure. She was going to kill Chuck Bass.


End file.
